Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize