dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
