the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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