Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Plan B is the new Plan A
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize