Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I am naked and annoyed.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize