i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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