We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Pants are for mortals
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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