I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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