Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
