is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You need Xanax blowdarts
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
