I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
