I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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