My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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