I've blown a few things in my day
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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