i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
