You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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