I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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