i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
