His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Randomize
