If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
