i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Send help, water and tortillas.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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