drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
