went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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