Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
