the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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