i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
