even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
