No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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