and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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