You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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