It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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