I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
