and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
