Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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