So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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