She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
