I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We were destined to go to rehab together
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
