Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
