My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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