So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
