I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
No I am not eating basil off your cock
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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