ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
