Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
