i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize