I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
