I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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