did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I had to cum in my sink.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
