wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
