period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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