you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
