dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
