how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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