she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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