I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just gift wrapped bread.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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