The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
