yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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