The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
