i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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