he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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