I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
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