oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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